Spiritual Growing Pains

Tides. Guided by the Moon. Illuminated by the Sun, directing the Dance of the Solar System. And here we delicately float at righteous number three, spinning fearlessly and intricately, to ensure the Sun touches every part to inspire new beginnings. Through precious spheres and cycles, death makes way for life. It is not an end; it is knowing, it is freedom, it is ultimate oneness. To be dying means that we are actively experiencing death/life in each moment. On the way to "death" I collect wisdom, immunity, and harmony to inspire all other rhythms of the Universe. I look to nature and begin again to feel at ease. Our emotions and thoughts grow and flow like the ocean, seasons, the wind, and the soil. From microscopic to epic, we are all connected in a spherical oneness that cannot help but affect and be affected by its cohabiting organisms. This is why I search, ask questions, and strive for transparency in communication and action. I’ve begun to accept that I do not “overthink” things, but instead intellectualize them in an act of healing and reflection.

This week I am reminded that there are still going to be lows no matter how present and connected I feel. But they are not as perpetual as they once were. Instead, I feel them like a tap on the shoulder from my Creator; You are human, I have made you to withstand these tests as I prepare you for greater things to come. Remain triumphant in your lessons and trust me to strengthen your spirit to better enliven the world in which you live. These days I do not feel sadness, but rather growing pains as I evolve into a complex, dynamic, curious, and divinely resourced soul. I intend to grow every moment and desire relationships that share in that mission. It is not important the length of time they span, but the depths they reach.

Robert caught me at my best, and I am so happy that I was able to give him all of me. I believe that we were each placed at the Naked Bike Ride to meet and be affected by each other's stories. It was the first real relationship formed after an important transformation in my life gifted me new levels of self-awareness and love. I sensed from the beginning that I was, in one way, meant to show him a beautiful experience full of joy and affection. His kindness and enthusiasm inspired and welcomed me to share my soul so directly and comfortably, and he eagerly adventured with me with reciprocated devotion and attention. It was the most mature and respectful intimate involvement I’ve had to this point — Robert gave me something I’ve always wanted in a relationship. It was a romantic connection, but I felt and feel a supernal commitment to him in the support and encouragement of his spirit as he processes his own transition and loss. I care deeply for him, as I do everyone who overlaps my orbit, and hate feeling like I’ve lost a friend. But I need to trust my intuition and the nonphysical ways in which God connects All Of Us. I am grateful to have shared my first summer in Portland with Robert, and will always look to our time together with joy and love.

Fall is upon us now, no doubt heightening my desire to reflect on change as I move through another season of life at the end of a fruitful summer. It does get harder to relate to people from the depths in which I feel I most at home, and it is for that reason that I am most grateful to those who choose to dive in with me. I often question myself, Do I even have the wisdom or authority to decide or discern what my purpose is, what is “best for me”, or who “my best self” really is?. Regardless, I will continue the arduous task of looking within as I discover the world without, and understand that I have but a limited vision of life experience with which I view the world – one that I hope is widening every day. I am called to do this work of self discovery and expression, not for myself alone, but for the souls of this and that world, so that when I meet the ones I am meant to meet, I am fully prepared to share in love, joy, and experience, with no other intention than to add another ripple to the ocean that is All Of Us.