Something inside, that was always denied, for so many years

My soul is heavy this morning on my beach. I leave home in ten days. I’ve known for a long time that this was necessary to my continued growth and exploration of my artistic voice. I know it will be hard, but I am moving on with innumerable lessons learned on many fronts and have healed in more ways than ever expected. Four and a half years ago I was sitting outside of boundary hall, brainstorming on Wilmington projects. I had felt its potential and wanted to tap in. Over the next couple months, a huge idea would bring me back home. I tried, I “failed”, God prevailed. He showed me through a series of divine events that He knew what was up. I was let down by my failure to open a gallery, but because of the setback and since, have had full time jobs in 3 very different industries that showed me my true strengths and passions. I’ve learned more lessons than I thought possible for myself. Being here has afforded me time and confidence to confront my fears and invest in my intentions. I’ve developed a deep relationship with the artist of my spirit. It is this tapping of the well that allows me to go forth with my thirst of five years ago quenched - and then some - with supplies on lock for any pit of desperation to come. I know I have a lot to learn, and it’s possible that I would have reached this point no matter what path I chose until now. But I wouldn’t trade these experiences with anything, I am blessed. 

Often times I’ve contemptuously begged “What am I doing here?” And I know my family has seen the worst of my cynicism. In some ways, my career has been on hold. I could have gone anywhere, done anything out of college. My parents and I fought about my decision to come home “just to teach dance”. The conviction I had in that moment has rung true and still stands - I will be better because of this. On a deeper level, I can see now that I was also lead home to heal old and deep wounds resulting and remaining from tragedy. Wounds that never scarred and continued to ache. The unanticipated deepness of understanding I have for the complexities and dynamics of family interaction is the most significant part of my previous journey. We have something special that I too often took for granted. Not everyone gets to see nearly half of all their relatives on a monthly, weekly, or daily basis. This closeness has ignited difficult conversations and experiences that I would have otherwise most likely continued to ignore, and is thus the most important to my recent growth. We have learned that healing takes time, it takes each other, and it takes hard shit standing in your way to decide to fight or retreat back, again. It has also shown me love like I’ve never known. My brother, cousin, nana, aunts, uncles, new sister, mom and Pop have become my best friends over the last 4 years. I take with me their best qualities to guide me on my way:

Pop’s disciplined work ethic and reflection, Mom's selfless compassion and reverence, Eric’s devotion to foundation, family, love and loyalty, Alison’s grace and discernment, Nana’s wit and vigor and determination, Megan’s humility and sense of justice, Uncle Rick's patience and wisdom, Aunt Linda’s focus and service, Aunt Diane’s charm and positivity.. 

I have all I need because of you. I am happy, full, and ready to take on my next challenge. 

Now start planning your trips to Portland ASAP. I love you, see you on the West Coast.